


Hopelessness And Hope

by Lexzandrihya



Category: The Old Guard (Comics), The Old Guard (Movie 2020)
Genre: Andy loves Booker, Angst, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Booker needs Love, Booker | Sebastien le Livre Needs Therapy, Booker | Sebastien le Livre Needs a Hug, Booker | Sebastien le Livre Whump, F/F, F/M, Gen, Hurt/Comfort, Joe loves Booker, M/M, Nicky loves Booker
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-19
Updated: 2020-11-03
Packaged: 2021-03-07 16:22:46
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 8
Words: 7,784
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26540602
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lexzandrihya/pseuds/Lexzandrihya
Summary: He just wanted to be loved. He just wanted affection from those he thought of as family, but he never received either. Nicky and Joe were too absorbed in their own relationship. Andy was grieving on her own, not wanting to let go of the woman she had lost over half a millennium ago. Desperate to see those who loved him and those he loved, he decided to turn himself, just him, in for experimentation. He requested Copley for one last mission, one last chance to do some good before he tried to figure out how to die.(Quynh did not find Booker, she went directly to the others)
Relationships: Andy | Andromache of Scythia & Quynh | Noriko, Andy | Andromache/Booker | Sebastien le Livre/Joe | Yusuf al-Kaysani/Nicky | Nicolò di Genova, Booker | Sebastien le Livre & Joe | Yusuf Al-Kaysani, Booker | Sebastien le Livre/Everyone, Booker | Sebastien le Livre/Nicky | Nicolo di Genova, Joe | Yusuf Al-Kaysani/Nicky | Nicolò di Genova
Comments: 32
Kudos: 149





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Hey! This is my first fanfic. Please read and give me some feedback.😀

He just wanted to be loved. He just wanted affection from those he thought of as family, but he never received either. Nicky and Joe were too absorbed in their own relationship. Andy was grieving on her own, not wanting to let go of the woman she had lost over half a millennium ago. Desperate to see those who loved him and those he loved, he decided to turn himself, just him, in for experimentation. He requested Copley for one last mission, one last chance to do some good, one last chance to see his family before he tried to figure out how to die. 

Copley betrayed him. Merrick corrupted Copley. Sudan wasn’t his doing, but he took the blame anyway; he was the one who had informed Copley of their existence. 

He had hoped for less but expected more. A hundred years. A blink of an eye for Andy. Ten times the time it took for Joe and Nicky to love each other. Half of his life. 

He would never see Andy again. Joe and Nicky would never forgive him or trust him fully. Nile may have, but that would be because she pitied him. 

He would have to make something of himself if he wished to be let back into the team. They would never love him, that he had accepted, but maybe, just maybe, trust could be earned. After his exile, maybe they would forgive him enough to let him help out. 

In the meantime, he would try to live. To do what Andy had told him to do. To heal on his own. 

And so, he tried. And so, he failed. 

He had inflicted much pain, yes, but so, so, so much pain had been inflicted upon him when he had been refused the affection of his family. Even worse was the fact that they did not realise the true reason for his melancholy even now. They assumed that it was because of the loss of his sons. They were wrong. It was because he was denied the love and affection of the family that had been thrust upon him. The family which had been together for the better part of a millennium. 

But he was desperate, desperate enough to live off whatever scraps of tenderness offered to him, so he never uttered a word, scared that if they thought him weak, they would abandon him and yet that happened anyways. So, he had to live to show them that he was worthy, even if he did not believe that he was. 

And so, he tried again. And so, he failed again. Fell back into the bottle the way he had before. So, he drank and drank till he found the strength to stop. 

Problem was that without the drink, he could not move and with the drink, he did not want to. And so, he stayed sober. Not eating, not drinking. The good thing about this existence was that he did not dream. He did not feel. He died many times before he was found.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was trying to go for angsty here. Could not figure out if I hit it or not. Please let me know if i did or didn't.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Please let me know what you think about this chapter.

Family dinners were a common occurrence now that Quynh was back. The five of them would sit down for dinner every night and reminisce about the days before Quynh was taken as well as tell her and Nile stories about missions and experiences they had had. More often than not, dinner would be hours long and humorous. 

Booker was often a topic of conversation. 

Nile argued that it was not right to isolate a man who so desperately wanted to die. Andy, Joe and Nicky argued that Booker did not know what it was to be alone, so he needed to learn, and once he had, then he would understand what he had so nearly given away. After numerous loud discussions, Nile agreed to drop it. However, that did not mean that she would not glower at Andy, Nicky and Joe whenever his name came up. 

For some reason, Quynh seemed to agree with Nile. When Nicky asked why she simply replied: “We are not meant to be alone.” 

About ten months after Booker’s exile started, four after Quynh returned to them, Copley dropped by unannounced just as they were sitting down for dinner. Nicky had made a traditional Pesto Pasta that Nile had fallen in love with. 

“Want to join us, James?” He asked. 

“Booker’s gone off the grid. I haven’t seen hide nor hair of him in months. The tracker I put in him hasn’t moved, could probably have been taken out. There’s nothing on CCTVs in supermarkets not even at airports. I think I’m right to be concerned.” 

“If you haven’t seen him in months, then why are you only telling us this now?” 

“I’ve been trying to find him. I didn’t want to worry you.” 

Disliking the answer she received, and worried for Booker and his desire to die, a reality that she would not be able to bear, Andy leapt across the room at lightning speed and grabbed Copley by his collar. “WHY! Why would you not tell us earlier? What if something happened to- let me go, Nicky, I swear let me go!” 

“Andy, it isn’t his fault. He probably thought that we wouldn’t want to see him. After all, we did exile him.” Nicky took a deep breath before turning back to Copley and telling him to book them all seats on the next flight to wherever he had last seen Booker. 

Dinner forgotten, the team went to their respective rooms and started packing up. 

They were out of the safehouse and on the way to the nearest airport in ten minutes. 

Copley told them all that he knew, which wasn’t much. What he said was true, Booker had truly disappeared. 

Nicky and Joe spent the flight bouncing back and forth between reassuring each other that they would find Booker and cursing themselves for pushing for a centaury in the first place. 

Andy spent the time scowling at Copley and beating herself up mentally for allowing the boys to convince her for the prolonged sentence. 

Nile, Quynh and the one receiving glares exchanged worried looks among themselves, truly fearful of what would happen if Booker was hurt or worse, dead. 

The plane landed in Marseille and the team caught a cab which took them to the building that Booker had been staying in. 

He had bought the whole building, not wanting to be disturbed by mortals. Or at least that’s what he told himself.

Gun at the ready, Andy pushed in the door, which opened with a loud creak. The whole house had a thick layer of dust laid over it. Holding her gun up, she walked into the kitchen and cleared it. Slowly they all entered the house. There was one door that was closed. Taking a deep breath, Nicky walked forward and opened it. 

There laid a sight that he had never wanted to see. 

Booker. Naked from the chest up, thinner than he had ever seen his brother. Booker’s ribs were pronounced, his stomach was depressed, eyes were open, but he did not seem to be seeing anything. From where Nicky was, it did not even seem as though he was breathing. Crossing the room in two steps, he grabbed Booker’s wrist and checked for a pulse. To his immense relief, there was one, even if it was faint. 

“God…” he heard Nile breathe. 

Andy walked to Book and leaned her forehead on his and held back tears that were already welling up him her eyes. "You're still in this shitty game with me Booker. You better be." 

“Joe, my bag. I need to attach an IV now before he dies…” again went unsaid. 

Joe walked into the living room, grabbed Nicky’s bag and ran back in. 

“How can we help?” He asked softly, his hand on Nicky’s shoulder. 

“Set up the IV, I’m going to try and find a vein. He’s too thin.” Shaking his head to get rid of the tears welling in his eyes. Now was not the time for crying. 

It took a few tries before he managed to insert the IV correctly. The fluid started flowing through the wire and into his veins. The six of them stood in silence for a few minutes, noticing how Sebastien’s breathing started to get stronger and deeper. 

“James and I will get some food… we’ll be back soon.” Nile breathed, holding back her own sobs.

Joe had stood with his arms around Nicky, whose head was on his chest. “What have we done?” He mumbled into his beloved’s chest. “What have we done?” 

The four of them stood in the room. Regret heavy in their hearts. They wanted answers. What had happened? Why did there seem to be no sign of the substance that Booker used as a crutch for as long as they all could remember? Did he do this to himself? If yes, why? When had his grief turned into whatever this was?


	3. Chapter 3

It took hours for Booker to finally wake and when he did, he jerked up, as though waking from some nightmare. 

Disoriented as he was, he did notice those he considered his family around him. All the emotions that he had been blocking out for the past months inundated him and he curled into himself; like he was trying to protect himself from physical blows. 

Why were they here? It couldn't have been a hundred years yet, could it? 

"Sebastien? We're here. May I sit near you?" Nicky paused as he shifted past Joe, towards him. 

Booker did not respond. "We're here. We want you to come home." He continued 

Again, there was no answer. 

"Bastien... Can you look at me? Please?" Joe whispered, reaching out to touch Booker's shoulder, and stopping when Booker jumped hard, hitting his cranium on the headboard. 

Slowly, Booker lifted his face and looked at them with tear-filled eyes. "What are you doing here?" He whimpered. "Why must you torment me so? Is it not enough that I dream of you? Dream of all that you do, but am not able to be with you? Is it not enough that--" Booker cut himself off abruptly. 

Nile, about to ask what he was going to say, was abruptly cut off by Andy. "Book, how long do you think you have been here?" 

He shrugged at Andy's question. "I know that it has not yet been a century." 

"You have been in this house for close to three months... Book... What happened?" 

"Nothing happ--"

"Don't you dare lie to us, Booker! Don't, just don't." 

"Nile, mon cher, I'm not lying. No one did this to me." 

"You did this to yourself? Why?" 

Booker said nothing. He did not want them to pretend as they cared for him, because when they left him again, and they would, he knew, he would not survive it. 

"Go...please go... Find me after my century is up. Find me then. Please." he beseeched. His voice rising a few octaves, reaching almost a howl. "GO!" 

Even as he was shrieking for them to leave him, a part of Booker hoped that they would care enough to stay. They didn't. 

All of them walked out as if he meant nothing to them. As though they did not have two centuries of history between them. He heard the door close and the feeling of abandonment crushed him and he started to sob. He could not breathe. He didn't want to. He wanted an escape from the all-consuming pain that he had been enduring for a century and a half.

Quynh left first, she understood that this was not her place. James following, but not before throwing a pointed look in Andy's direction asserting "don't leave him". 

Nile, Joe and Nicky walked out concurrently, believing that Andy would handle the situation. 

Booker's heart-wrenching sobs could be heard even through the closed door. 

Andy walked silently towards the weeping man. He did not seem to have realised that he was not alone. She clambered on the bed and engulfed the younger immortal in a hug, attempting to reassure him. 

Nothing seemed to work. She whispered softly to him, but his cries just went up in volume. She rubbed his back, but that just caused him to flinch. 

He was trying to say something, but his wails made him incoherent. 

When Booker felt someone's arms around him, he knew that it was Andy. He did not understand why she was there, all he knew that it brought him a certain relief that she was there. That Andy hadn't left him again. He knew that Andy thought that they both were kindred spirits. She was wrong. The only thing they shared was their longing to leave life. And now that Quynh was back, they did not even share that. 

Quynh's return was why he started drinking again. They all had each other while he was left to rot alone. That was a thought that he could not stand, after all, he was a coward. 

He tried to tell Andy that he wasn't worth it, that she should just leave him be, but his wails rendered him rambling. 

Finally, he exhausted himself. His loud wails turned into mute tears and he sagged against Andy. She wanted to say something but knew that doing so would have no impact. So she remained quiet, just holding her little brother. 

A few minutes later he was asleep. 

Joe opened the door and peeked through it. Through the darkness of the room, she could make out the redness in his eyes and dampness on his cheeks. 

One by one, they all entered the room in similar states. Nile sat on Booker's other side while Joe and Nicky made themselves comfortable at the foot of the bed. 

Quynh sat beside Andy and let her drop onto her chest, silent tears saturating Quynh's clothes. 

Copley had left, recognizing that this was not his place. 

No one said a word. Joe, Nicky and Andy all blamed themselves for not noticing. All of them wondered what has happened. True, Booker was not the happiest of their group, but they did not know what this was. Was he sad? Or angry? Depressed?

They should have known. He was their brother and they should have known.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thanks for reading! Please let me know what you think!


	4. Chapter 4

When Booker woke, he felt warm, calm, safe. Something he had not felt for a long time. He allowed himself to bask in those feelings for a few short moments before being assaulted by memories of the previous night. Joe, Nicky, Andy, Nile, Quynh and even Copley were there. And he had cried. Sobbed actually. Wailed to be even more specific. 

This was one of the many aspects of himself that he had hidden from them. The fact that he was weak. The fact that he couldn't take abandonment. That he feared it. And now they knew. 

He felt two arms upon him. One on his chest, the other on his stomach. A third hand was clasped in his much larger one. 

He tensed when his legs he felt another two bodies there. 

He never wanted to leave the protective embraces of his family. Weak. His mind taunted him for that feeling. Coward. Unworthy. 

He gulped. He stayed still. He knew that when they left, it would be even more difficult for him. Booker found solace in the fact that at least he would not see them in his dreams anymore. 

He could not believe that he had broken down so completely in front of Andy. He cursed himself that the last memory that she would have of him would be of how fragile he was. 

Tensing, even more, he realised that the first impression that Quynh would have of him would be his vulnerability. 

Considering that she would eventually take on the role of leader of their little band, he could not see her ever trusting him to hold his own on missions. 

There went his last hope of being allowed to work with his family. 

He cursed himself again. He tried to escape unnoticed from the now stifling embrace of Andy and Nile but the attempt was futile. 

"Booker stay...sleep. We'll speak later. Stay... Please." 

The tone of Andy's voice was such that he could not refuse even if he had wanted to. And he didn't want to. 

He laid on his back and fell into a fitful sleep. 

When he woke again, he felt no one around him. He was alone. 

He jumped up from his bed and looked around the room frantically. "No, no, no. s'il te plaît Dieu. ne laissez pas cela être un rêve. Please. Please. Please."  
(Please God. Please don't let that be a dream.)

He walked into the living room and to his immense relief. They were there. They were speaking. He did not comprehend what they were murmuring about, flooded by the respite that filled his veins. 

Nicky saw him first and approached him cautiously. "Libretto. How are you feeling?" 

"You're here. You're really here." Booker mumbled in wonder. 

"Yes, yes we are my brother. We are here. And we won't leave you again. I promise." 

"You're here."

Nicky nodded and told him that breakfast was ready and that he freshen up before they eat. 

Booker was not hungry but nodded along anyway. He went into his bathroom, stripped off and let the hot water hit his body. 

He pondered what Nicky had said. They weren't going to leave? Why not? His punishment was his exile. To be alone for a century. Why would they care how he spent it? He would convince them to leave. He did not want them to resent him and the only way that would happen was if they had time to heal. Time away from him. 

He scrubbed the filth from his body and when he felt relatively cleaner, he dried off and fumbled through his drawers for some clothes. 

Looking somewhat presentable, he made his way to the kitchen. A heavenly aroma had filled the kitchen. Cornetti and hot chocolate. Heaven on earth. Actually, home. 

He waited awkwardly at the opening to the kitchenette, not knowing his place. 

"Booker." Andy motioned for him to grab a plate and food. There wasn't nearly enough space for them to sit at the table, so the ate standing. Placing their mugs on the counter. 

Andy, Quynh spoke quietly in an ancient Vietnamese language, incomprehensible to anyone less than three millennia old. Booker got the distinct impression that they were talking about him.

Joe and Nicky were pressed together, feeding each other bites of Cornetti. Nile was looking at them with a fondness in her eyes. 

"We need to talk. All of us." Andy looked at each one of them in the eye. "We will hear each other out and we will be calm." 

They all nodded and moved into the dingy hall. Booker sat on the floor much further away from the rest of them. 

Nicky and Joe sat directly opposite him. Nile to their right and the wives to their left. They all respected his wish to keep distance between them, even if they did not agree with it. 

"Book, can you tell us what exactly happened. Why we found you like that." 

He looked down, not wanting to bare his soul. Not knowing how they'd react. They didn't love him. They had made that clear in the two hundred years that they had kept waltzing in and out of his life, expecting to pick up right where they had left off, not once asking how he felt about it. They had made it clear again when they had banished him for a century. 

"I don't want to talk about it, Andy." 

"I realised that she phrased it as a question, but she isn't asking," Nicky told him sternly. "This cannot happen again and the only way to ensure that is by knowing what triggered this." 

"And how do you propose to stop it? We will talk, then you will leave and I will be left alone again. So can we skip to the leaving?"

His statement left the five of them in stunned silence. 

Joe detangled himself from Nicky's arms and kneeled in front of Booker, grasping the younger man's hand in his. "We won't leave. You won't be alone. I promise. Please talk to us, we just want to help. 

Booker's eyes teared up as he tried to wrench his hand out of Joe's. His heart wanted to believe the words that were spoken, his mind wanted to scoff at them. “Don't hide your emotions, Bastien.” Joe released Booker’s hands and sat beside him. 

“It’s hard…seeing you in my dreams is so hard. I wanted, needed to be there with you and it’s my own doing that I couldn’t. Can’t. I didn’t want to drink. I wanted to do what you told me to do, Boss. Wanted to heal but the dreams made it so hard.” He gulped before continuing. “When I’m in that state I don’t dream…or feel.”

“What if you died?” Nile whispered, her voice breaking.”

“Then I’d get what I want.”

“Why are you so intent on dying Book?” 

“I have nothing to live for. All those that ever loved me are dead.” 

The was the smallest pause before the rest of them started speaking over each other trying to somehow tell him that he was loved.

Joe tried to pull him into his arms, but Booker pushed him off roughly, not wanting to feel an embrace that he would never feel again. 

Booker took a deep breath and cut them off. “You don’t care about me. So don’t say that you do. I’d rather you tell me the hard, brutal truth, not it entwined in flowery words that I have to decipher the true meaning of.”

“Why would you say that?” Andy croaked, her voice hoarse with regret and pain. Tears were streaming down her face. Nicky looked shocked beyond measure. Joe’s hand tried to tighten around his back, but Booker shrugged out of it. “You're our brother. Of course, we love you.” 

“Sure,” Booker said. Too tired to fight anymore. To let them in any more than he already had. He wanted to believe what Andy was saying. Desperately so, but he knew that he would only hurt more when they inevitably left. 

“Don’t say things to placate us.” 

He laughed bitterly. “You want me to say what I feel. Okay. You love me? I’m your brother? We’re a family? What kind of family would leave their brother alone, grieving, for years on end? What kind of—” 

“Say it, Booker, we won’t be angry.” Joe murmured.

“Why didn’t you let me explain? Before you left me?” 

“We didn’t think that there was anything for us to know. We were wrong. I know that you telling us now will not change any of the past months, but please tell us.” Nicky beseeched, regret darkening his pale eyes.

“It was never supposed to be any of you. Just me. Copley knew that all of us were immortal, so he approached me. I was going to kill him. Tie it off, but he told me how his wife died and that reminded me of how Amelie died. I told him to go ahead with it. Just one modification; they would only take me. 

“I asked him to arrange the mission for us so that I’d get to see you all one last time. It was supposed to be a real mission, but Merrick wanted proof and us all. I had no idea. I’m sorry.”

“I’m sorry that we punished you instead of talking to you and finding the root of the problem. We assumed the worst of you. I’m sorry. Please forgive me.” Joe grasped his hands and tried to maintain eye contact with Booker. 

He waved off Joe’s apologies, not believing that he deserved to apologised to. “Please go and let me live my ninety-nine years in peace.”

“We’re not leaving you, Booker. Get that through your head.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This fic will mostly be focused on the relationships between Booker, Joe, Nicky and Andy. Nile and Quynh will be in the story, but only minutely.
> 
> The French used in the story was taken from Google translate, so if it's incorrect please let me know. 
> 
> Probably should have put this at the start but I am in no way, manner or form qualified to talk about mental health issues. Any knowledge I have is mostly second hand or from the minimal research, I have done. 
> 
> My exams are starting soon, so I'll only be able to update once a week, probably on weekends.


	5. Chapter 5

Paris 1850  
"Sebastien, I know that you have lost your family. It is good to mourn, to cry. Don't bury your emotions. That will cause you to hurt even more. We are here and we won't leave you. I promise."

Apprehending that, Sebastein buried his head in Yusuf's chest and sobbed.

Two days later, he overheard a conversation.

“We cannot stay. We need to go. Joe its…”

“Sebastien wants to stay.”

“I know…I know.”

India 1970s  
“I want to go back to Malta, but I don’t know if Booker is okay.”

It had been 100 years since the death of his sons and Sebastien was no better. He longed for love and affection.

And so, Yusuf asked him. “How are you feeling Bastien? We’ll stay if you want us to.”

"I’m alright. The fighting has been brutal. You and Nicky should go to Malta. I'll be fine." He lied. He wanted them to stay so greatly that he would beg. And his eyes did. Begged them to listen to the words he had left unspoken. He was afraid that they would resent him more than they already did. If he asked for more than what they would freely give. So, he tried to use his actions to ask them to stay. Made them their favourite foods. Slept on the couch so they could get the one liveable room. But his actions yielded nothing.

They left. Andy was long gone. He was alone.

Today

“But you have. So many times, even when you said you wouldn’t."

“We always ask if you want us to stay before we leave. You always say no Booker. You never wanted us to stay with you.”

“I could hardly say that I wanted you to stay with me. I knew that you felt that I was weak; I didn’t want to prove it to you. I didn’t want you to resent me”

“I don’t think you are weak. I think that you have been through more than what is fair. We all have, but you never found anyone to spend it with. I think that the reason that Nicky and I found each other was because we needed each other to survive the millennium. Andy was strong enough to live three millennia before finding Quynh, I know that I wouldn’t be strong enough for that. You have survived 200 years, grieving, trying to figure out how to live. You’re the only one of us who has had to do that. You spent 200 years dreaming of a woman who has been drowning and you lied, telling us that the dreams fade. I wouldn’t be able to survive that. On top of that, we did a shit job letting you know that we loved you. That we wanted you in our ranks. Booker, you are many things, you’re not weak or cowardly.

“Book… so believe me when I say that you are wanted. That I do want you with us. That you are cherished. I swear that we will show this to you. We will make you believe that you are one of us. You always have been. We do not begrudge you. We want to know you and be with you even when we aren’t on missions.”

Copley made arrangements for them to stay in Marseille for a while more. Booker did not want to leave. He wasn't sure about what they were doing. What he was sure about was the fact that they would leave him the first chance they got, and so, he was desperate not to get close to them. To not open his heart. He wanted them to stay. He wanted them to leave. He was terrified that if he let them in, it would only hurt more when they unavoidably left.

So he made himself as unhelpful as possible. As disrespectful as possible. Monopolising the bathroom, never clearing up after a meal, secluding himself as much as possible. All of these actions became a daily routine for them all. The rest of them learnt to get up early if they wanted to shower in the morning, and not to expect Booker to clear up after himself or any of them. 

The rest of Sebastien's family saw right through him. They knew exactly what he was doing. And they knew that if they failed this unspoken, unacknowledged test that their youngest brother was giving them, any relationship they could have had with him would be lost.

"He doesn't believe us. Not yet. We have failed him spectacularly, now, lets bare with it and hope that he recognises that we aren't going to leave him." 

Even though he tried to convince himself that they were definitely going to leave him, he was terrified of the possibility that they would. Afraid that he would be alone once more. He would wake multiply times in the middle of the night, he would wake and he would strain his ears just to hear some noise, some sound that could signify that they had not abandoned him in the dead of night. And every night, he would hear a sound that would reassure him that there was someone there. Reassured, he would fall back asleep, waking at a leisurely time. Until one day. One day in the early morning, he laid in bed, wide awake and he heard nothing. 

Leaping out of bed the Frenchman, rushed into the other rooms. No one. There did not seem to be any indication that there was anyone in the house. 

Despite his expectance and his preparation, the feeling of abandonment did not crush him any less. He fell to his knees behind the front door and cried. Heartbreakingly. Heart wrenchingly. Agonisingly. 

He could not believe that they were so cruel to leave today. His birthday. 

He managed to stand through his sobs and he ran to the kitchen. He looked in the cabinets where he knew that Joe had stored the whiskey. Opening a bottle, he drank. Finished half the bottle in one go, a surge of hatred overhauled him. 

He had fallen into the trap of their sweet words of faked affection again. Despite his warnings, he had believed that everything would be okay. That they would not let him down again. 

He screamed wordlessly. A sound of pure anguish which brought his family to tears as they walked through the front path, with supplies to make this birthday the best birthday Booker had ever had.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry for the wait and thanks for reading.  
> I have no idea of I'll be able to update within the next week cuz I have my GCSE OLevel examinations, which is the equivalent of the tenth-grade board examinations.  
> Please let me know what you guys think about this chapter.  
> Thank you for sticking with me.


	6. Chapter 6

It was Booker's birthday. Andy wanted it to be awesome. Joe wanted it to be filled with all that Booker loved books, sweets and cakes. Nicky wanted it to be the day that Sebastien would finally realise that he was valued. Nile and Quynh just wanted their family to be whole. So when they heard an anguished scream, they were shocked. 

None of them expected Booker to be awake. None of them expected the amount of distress in the wordless cry that they heard. 

Nicky dropped the bags that he was holding and ran through the door. Right behind it, was Booker, curled into a ball, tears streaming down his face. He flinched hard when Nicky put his hand on his back. 

Booker was mumbling in French, but Nicky was so close to him, that he was able to hear his words. He was cursing himself. Saying that he should have agreed to live with them even though they didn't want him. That he should have enjoyed what they were giving him without trying to push them away. 

"Sebastien. I'm here. Whatever you do, how much ever you try to push me, us away, we aren't going to leave. You can try whatever you want. You can even betray us again, we will not leave you. You know why? Because we love you, Sebastien. Please believe me. Please." By the time Nicky finished speaking, he had tears running down his face. His voice was cracking. 

"I'm sorry. I'm sorry. Please don't leave me. Please never leave me. I need you more than I need air. I can't survive. I can't breathe without you. I'm so scared. Please don't leave me." 

"We won't. Booker, I promise. You have my word. We are family and we are not meant to be alone. We were wrong to isolate you. To make you pay for something that wasn't your fault. We weren't to know, but we should have asked. We are the ones who need your forgiveness. Please forgive us." Andy took Booker's face in her hands and made him look her in the eyes begged him to see the sincerity in her eyes and hear the honesty in her words. 

"I'm tired. I wanna sleep. I don't wanna keep checking if your here. I wanna sleep." 

"Okay, Bastien. Come on, let's go up." Nicky and Yusuf led him into their room and laid him down in the middle of the bed. They laid down beside and held him in an embrace. 

For the first time in two centuries, Sebastian slept in peace. Not once did he wake up screaming from a nightmare. Not once did he wake to check if he was alone. 

Booker woke to the sound of Nicky and Joe talking about him. 

"How could we have failed so badly, Joe? How could we make him think that he couldn't speak to us?" 

"We were too absorbed in ourself. Blind to his pain. And Andy's too. We could have never understood this pain and so we ignored it." 

"And this is the result." 

"Where did he get the idea that we would resent him?" 

"My love, Nicky, we will have to ask him."

The lapsed in silence and after deliberating for a few minutes Booker said, "Paris. After the death of my son. I asked you to stay with me and you agreed. I overheard a conversation, between you two. You wanted to leave and go to Malta, but you stayed because of me. I don't want you to stay because you feel like you have to." 

A ripple of shock rushed through their bodies. Unconsciously, both of them stiffen. This caused Booker to curl into himself. 

"Sebastien...I do not remember the exact words that I spoke or even the gist of what I said. What I do recall is the love and concern that I felt for you. That I still feel. I was worried. Scared. We never wanted to leave you alone, but the way you kept pushing us away, we thought you were happier alone. It was difficult to imagine that you were even more miserable without us. I'm sorry we were so blind to you. To how much you were hurting. Please believe me."

For the first time in centuries, he wanted to believe. He wanted to trust what they said. 

Things got better after that. Booker started to be more receptive and the rest started to understand his tells of when he was craving to be held. 

One night he laughed. The joke was trivial, but for the life of him, he could not remember a funnier quip. It was the kind of laugh that none of them had heard coming from him before. Deep and loud. So they couldn't help but laugh alongside him. 

Months passed and things got better. They got happier. 

They were sitting down for a movie one night when the house filled with gas, knocking them all out.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So so sorry for the long wait and for the fact that the chapter is so short. 
> 
> Thanks for reading, commenting and kudosing!


	7. Chapter 7

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I made a slight edit to the end of the last chapter. A grenade did not roll in, instead the house filled with gas.

He had heard their words before. Their promises, their vows. And when he heard them now again, his heart wanted to trust. His mind was more sceptical. In confidence, he talked to Copley. Told him to set up something similar to what they had done before to try and capture the team. However, the difference was that this time no one would get tortured. No one would die. Their reactions to this ‘betrayal’ would be his gauge whether to trust their promises. Actions did speak louder than words after all. 

\---- 

The team woke up to a familiar sight. Again, hands and feet bound to tables. Again, in a clean smelling room. Again, fearful of their lives. 

Nicky and Joe looked at each other. Trying to make sure that the other was alright. Andy was seething, one name in her mind and on her lips, “Quynh”, who looked terrified. Sebastien felt a surge of guilt at being the reason why. Nile was staring at him, seeing right through the façade of fear he had on. 

They had been awake nearly 30 minutes when Andy managed to wriggle one of her hands out of her bounds. Quickly untying her other hand and legs, she started helping the others out.

There was no security. No cameras. Nothing that would depict a lab. This seemed to be an amateur's attempt to capture them. A suspicion started to rise in Andy’s mind. He didn’t believe them. This was his attempt to see if they would suspect him or not. His attempt to see if he was going to be left again. The fact that her brother trusted her word that little almost brought her to tears. Quynh in her arms, Andy looked at Nile, who seemed to have come to the same conclusion. Nicky and Joe were oblivious to things. 

They would have to come up with a plan to ensure that Booker would learn how to accept and trust in them and their word. But that would have to wait till they could speak without him overhearing them. 

It was dark out and they had no idea where they were. Making it a fair distance away from the site that they were held at, they settled down on a dry piece of land and got ready to rest.

Nile wanted to share her suspicions with Andy, but one look at the latter's face told the former all that she needed to know. He was testing them. 

They settled down to sleep, but sleep only came fitfully.

Nicky and Joe, both blithe that they were safe and happy were still reeling from their escape. The thought that Booker had betrayed them again had not even crossed their minds. Neither did the thought that this was a test of their word. 

Andy and Quynh lay in each other's embrace and the elder told the younger of her misgivings. Quynh seemed to understand why and told Andy as much. She added that even though her dreams, she could see how much pain Booker was in and how much he had been let down by the guard.

Booker was wracked with guilt. How could he think that they would say things that they didn't mean? He had known them two centuries and yet he was uncertain of their word. Tears started to stream down his face. He kept silent. He did not deserve their succour or love. He deserved his exile. And yet he could not bring himself to tell them. He could not bring himself to do so. He needed them and he didn't want them to hate him, not so soon after learning that they truly did care for him. He curled into himself and held back his sobs. 

Nile fell into an erratic slumber. She kept jerking awake and falling back asleep. She was worried about the state of her family. Troubled by the fact that one of their own felt so insecure of their love that he felt the need to test them so. 

When morning came six very unrested people opened their eyes blearily. Yawning they cleared the area of any trace of themselves and walked back toward the facility where they had been kept. They contacted Copley, who met them there and tried to help them in any way he could. They found nothing. 

That night, under the guise of wanting some time for themselves, Andy, Quynh, Copley, Nile, Nicky and Joe met at a sequestered spot near the safe house where they were staying. 

Seeing that Booker was not among them, Joe and Nicky briefly wondered if the others believed that he had betrayed them again, before evicting that thought from their minds. He would never do that. 

Copley began explaining how Booker begged him to set up a fake capture because he wanted to gauge their reactions to it and to see if they would blame him. No harm was ever meant to come to anyone. 

Andy reassured Copley that they didn't blame him and told him to clear off. That this was something that they would have to deal with as a family. 

Talking among themselves, they agreed that they would not let Booker suspect that they knew. They wanted him to tell them of his own conviction. 

Nicky and Joe were heartbroken. They could not believe that they had screwed up to such an extent that their Sebastien would want to go to such lengths to see if they would stay with him or not. 

Days turned to weeks. And summer turned into fall. Andy's mortality into immortality. The orange leaves of melancholy resonated deeply within Sebastien's heart. The guilt had only grown in the weeks past. Sleep would not come to him. Tears flowed all too easily. Every affectionate gesture and word threatened his eyes to overflow. 

He wanted to break down and tell them everything. Every breath he took pierced his heart. He made the decision to tell them the truth and if they were to exile him again, then he would face the consequences.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Lemme know what you think!!  
> Next update will be sometime round the end of the week.  
> Exams are still not over.😭😭


	8. Chapter 8

Booker had a speech prepared. He had words of apology and remorse branded into his brain. He felt sorry for the fear that he had seen in their eyes at the lab, but the remorse for testing them would come later. 

He knew the more he waited, the more his resolve would leave him. So he spoke. 

They were all seated down for dinner. Booker was playing with his food and they all had noticed. 

"Bastien, everything okay?"

He shook his head. " What is it? You can tell us."

"I’m sorry. I’m so sorry. Please don’t leave me. Please. I shouldn’t have. I’m sorry.

“Tell us, Booker. We won’t be mad. Tell us.” 

“The capture. That was me. I asked Copley to arrange it. Please don’t leave me. Please.” His voice decreased in volume as he continued to beg for their forgiveness.

Booker was staring at his plate, so he completely missed the looks of surprise on his family's faces. 

They stayed quiet, for a few minutes. They hadn’t expected Booker to tell them. Ever. Odd happiness bubbled in Andy’s chest as she figured that Booker finally trusted them enough. However, another thought popped up in her head; a far more likely reason. Guilt.

"Why?" Andy's voice was gentler, softer than he expected and deserved, yet he could not bring himself to look at her. 

"I needed to know if you thought that I would do it. If your mind would snap to me. I needed to know." 

"We knew it was you, Booker. And we also knew that it was a test. It was rather obvious. The escape was too easy. No mad scientist. And no one died. And well Copley told us once we reached the safe house." Yusuf told him as he put his hand on his brother's shoulder.

“Im sor-”

“Don’t be. Please trust us now, trust us when we say that we won’t leave you.”

“You say that now. But when I become an intrusion, then you will leave or resent me for keeping you tied. I don’t want that. I trust your word and you will stay, but resentment will occur. I want to earn neither your resentment nor anger. You won't forgive me I tie you down. And actions speak louder than words. I do not blame you for wanting to leave, couples need their privacy and I cannot be easy to live with.” 

“We won't resent you. I promise. You have my word, so believe it.” 

It took many decades for him to believe it. To believe that he could stay with them. 

Weeks after the conversation, the family bought a house in the outskirts of Marseille. They found a therapist they could trust and started seeing her. They revealed their secret and she took it in stride. 

It was not easy for any of them. The doctor made it clear that it would become worse before it became better and she was right. As they first started, Booker seemed to retreat further into his shell and it became increasingly difficult to pull him out. But then they started to see the small changes. He stopped doing things just so they’d hug him, instead, he’d touch them on their shoulder, as a sign. 

Thirty years after Nile joined them, Booker kissed her for the first time, surprising himself, her and the rest of their family who was in the room. The others had noticed the signs and had a bet among themselves on who would make the first move. Yusuf won. 

A pregnancy soon occurred to their surprise. It wasn’t that Andy and Quynh had never slept with men, but they had never borne children in their immortal years. To Booker, it was a second chance, a chance to do things right. Although, Nile did argue that he had done nothing wrong the first time around. Grudgingly, they (Nile) agreed to disagree.

They settled in Marseille, in the very house that Booker had grown up in. His descendent was more than willing to sell it, having settled in USA. 

On the 9th of July 2051, a chubby blue-eyed boy was born. He was named Anthony in honour of his paternal grandfather and maternal uncle. 

Neither Nile nor Sebastien lost their immortality and both worried about the time when they would have to tell their son of their gift. 

That time came rather fast for both of them. When Anthony was twenty-two years of age, he was killed defending a child from being kidnapped. 

Less than an hour later, he took his first breath as an immortal. Sebastien Booker Le Livre would never lose another child again. 

The turning point of Sebastien’s life was when he betrayed them. If he had not done that, he would have continued to believe an untruth, a lie that he conjured up for himself so that he would not feel. He was glad he did betray them. He wasn’t glad for the pain he put them through. But he was glad that those events led to his - and their - happiness. For the family of seven was happier than they had ever been.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I don't usually ship Booker and Nile, but I wanted to give them a happy ending without Booker losing his immortality because that would be just sad. All of that progress can't lead to him dying of old age and all. TBH I ship Joe, Nicky and Booker, but couldn't go with that cuz I've been painting them as brothers. Hope that came through.   
> Thank you for sticking with me and my writing! Please let me know what you think!


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